But in all chaos, there is calculation
by Vlindervin
Summary: The evolution of Ronan and Adam's relationship through four questions (kind of). Pynch


Adam's head was even more of a mess than it usually was. It used to be filled with images of his father looming over him, snarling words he didn't dare to repeat, or the many nightmares and things Cabeswater sent him.

Cabeswater was gone now, but that didn't stop Adam's mind from conjuring a string of images to haunt him whenever he closed his eyes. They were the faces of his friends, Gansey dead on the ground with Blue's tear-streaked face over him. It was Ronan breaking down in sobs in front of them, begging Gansey to wake up. It was his own hands around Ronan's neck, trying to squeeze the life out of him. It was Henry yelling at them to do something, it was the knowledge that Noah was gone for good now, that Cabeswater was gone for good now and that his sanity was, probably, gone for good too.

And it was so much worse than it had once been.

He never had any problems with sleeping before, being generally too exhausted from schoolwork and normal work, but the weeks following Gansey's death were met with sleepless nights and more nightmares than ever.

On this particular night, the third after everything, he woke bathing in sweat and on the verge of tears. He put his hands on the bed next to him, willing them to stop shaking. When they finally did, he didn't dare moving them. He tried to tell himself that it was over, that Ronan was safe, that it hadn't been him wrapping his hands around Ronan's neck, that Gansey was alive. He didn't do a very good job of convincing himself. He closed his eyes and counted to ten. It was something he used to do when he was younger and scared.

 _One_

Breathe.

 _Two_

Breathe.

 _Three_

Focus on the numbers

 _Four_

And nothing else.

 _Five_

Slowly his heartbeat slowed down to a normal pace and he was able to breathe properly again. He let his head fall back against his pillow, but every trace of sleep was gone from his eyes and mind. He knew he'd be wasting his time if he tried to sleep again and he was scared the dream would come back once he closed his eyes.

Deciding he better use the time to do something productive, he turned on the lights and opened his history textbook on his desk. His eyes scanned the pages without really reading the books, but when he spotted the word king, he quickly shut the book. He was not able to do this, not at night. His brain might've been awake, his body was still tired from the long shift at the factory yesterday and he simply didn't have the determination and strength to be doing this.

Adam put his head in his hands and sighted. The nightmare came flooding back behind his eyelids and before it would get worse, he opened his eyes and got up. Quickly putting on a shirt and shoes, not bothering to take off his pyjama pants, he was out of the door of his apartment, thinking a little bit of fresh air would do him good.

Knowing that this was a very bad idea and that he had work tomorrow, he got into his car and started it. He suddenly understood Ronan's tendency to drive fast. Adam wanted to open his window and feel the wind on his skin, blocking all other noise from entering his ears. He wanted to see nothing but the road ahead of him and the landscape flashing by.

He didn't do it, though, he picked up his normal speed and he could almost literally hear Ronan sneer that _you drive like a fucking grandma, Parrish._ But Adam knew that there was a chance his car would break down if he pushed it above its limits and he also didn't have the money to pay for speeding tickets.

A light rain fell down on the car and Adam let himself listen to the soothing sound. He had intended to just drive around for a while, but without realizing it, he was taking the road leading to The Barns. It was probably a good idea, actually. There was a definite chance Ronan might still be awake. They didn't get the chance to talk since their kiss, being to occupied by all the other things that had been going on, to really think of the kiss as something important. It _was_ important, though and Adam knew they had to talk about it eventually. Now seemed like the time.

He wondered if he ought to feel nervous. He wasn't. This was just Ronan, after all. He was probably asleep, anyway.

When he arrived, Ronan was sitting on the porch, like he'd been expecting Adam.

Adam got out of his car and walked up to Ronan. It was still slightly raining, but Adam didn't care. Neither did Ronan, apparently. He barely looked up when Adam seated himself next to him.

Adam didn't say anything. He tilted his head to look at the sky. He couldn't ignore how close they were sitting and how his pulse significantly speeded up at that. They didn't talk for a while, only sneaking glances when they thought the other boy wasn't looking. It was something so achingly familiar and linked to simpler times, that Adam didn't want to shatter it by talking.

Eventually it was Ronan that did. 'What the fuck are you doing here, Parrish? Don't you have work tomorrow?'

Adam shrugged. 'Couldn't sleep.'

'Nightmares?', Ronan asked, still not looking at Adam, but at the road ahead of them.

'Yeah. You too?'

'Always.'

And that was it. Ronan didn't ask why Adam had come all the way to the Barns instead of going to Monmouth which was way closer. Neither of them asked what the other had been dreaming about, their own nightmares were hard enough to deal with.

Adam couldn't forget the resolution he'd made earlier. He knew he had to talk to Ronan about the kiss, but every time he tried to make eye-contact with Ronan, he quickly looked away. Like Adam's eyes burned him or something.

The air between them was charged with unsaid things and hidden thoughts. Adam imagined that if he tried hard enough he would be able to grab the tension between them and break it in two. It felt tangible somehow and it was driving him crazy.

'You kissed me.', he finally said. He figured it'd be easier if he got straight to the point. Ronan snapped his eyes up from the ground he was looking at. 'Why?'

Ronan's surprise was quickly hidden behind a wall of annoyance and he rolled his eyes at Adam. 'Why the fuck do you think?'

'Do you like me?', he asked hesitantly.

'You fucking know I do, Parrish.' It was true, just like everything that came from Ronan's mouth; Adam knew as well as anybody else that he didn't lie.

Of course he knew. Ronan wasn't being subtle about his feelings. The lingering glances he sent Adam lasted a little too long to be just friendship. And mix-tapes were as romantic as it could get. Not to mention the hand-lotion and all the other little things Ronan did. Deep down, Adam suspected, Ronan Lynch was one big romantic.

And of course Adam had made it clear he knew of Ronan's feelings.

'The real question is if you like me.', Ronan continued after a while. He looked up at Adam and Adam thought he recognized a trace of vulnerability and hope that slipped thought the hard exterior Ronan build around himself.

'I do. Like you.', Adam admitted. Ronan let out a relieved breath. 'I wouldn't have kissed you back if I didn't. I know what it meant to you.'

Ronan nodded his head. He seemed happy, but he didn't say anything, so Adam decided to continue. 'Was I the first person you kissed?', he asked. He thought he was, but he wasn't entirely sure. There had been the thing with Kavinsky, after all. Although, Adam didn't really believe anything happened between the two of them.

Ronan looked Adam in the eye, his gaze open, unshielded, vulnerable. Things he only ever was around Adam and maybe Gansey sometimes. 'First and last if it's up to me.'

Adam wasn't used to Ronan saying things like that to him, or anyone saying things like that to him really, and he wasn't sure how to respond. 'That good, huh?'

Ronan smirked and shook his head. ' _Fuck you,_ Parrish. Like, seriously.', he said. Adam knew him well enough to know that it was affectionate. The way only Ronan was able to make cuss-words sound beautiful and poetic. Just like he was able to make racing seem elegant and pet raven majestic instead of creepy.

Adam laughed. 'Can I kiss you again?'

Ronan blushed, an image Adam wasn't used to seeing. 'You don't have to ask. Just fucking do it.'

And so he did. He kissed him. Slow and passionate, sweet and tender. Once again, Adam was amazed by the softness of Ronan's lips. Ronan was all sharp edges, sharp words. But his lips were not. It was a good representation of how Ronan was in the inside, Adam thought.

When he pulled back, a smile was etched on Ronan's face and contentment flickered in his eyes.

'Can I see your tattoo?', Adam asked one day. He and Ronan were lying on the couch at Monmouth, all tangled up together. Adam's head was on Ronan's chest. Ronan's eyes were closed.

Gansey wasn't home, he was somewhere of with Blue, taking advantage of the fact that they were able to kiss each other now, no doubt. For all the times Ronan called him an old man and for all his maturity, he was but a teenage boy in love.

Without opening his eyes Ronan answered: 'You've seen my tattoo.'

At this point in their relationship they hadn't done a lot more than kissing. Kissing shirtless, not that Adam had time to look then, seen as he was way too pre-occupied by Ronan's lips. They had slept in the same bed. Again shirtless, but it had been dark and Adam didn't see a lot. He really wanted to. 'Yeah, but I want to _really_ look at it.'

What he actually meant was _I want to look at it and savour it and imprint it in my memory forever because it's beautiful, just like I did with every other part of you_. He didn't

'I mean… sure, Parrish.'

Ronan sits up a little, almost pushing Adam of the couch, and turns around. He takes off his shirt. Adam can't help but notice the way his back-muscles move and the way his shoulder blades could, just like his jaw, cut through ice.

The tattoo is complex. It somehow looked entirely different than all the other times he caught a glimpse of it. There are claws, flowers, beaks and trees and things Adam doesn't recognize. Where he used to see a raven, now he sees lightning.

The tattoo is scary and black at first sight, but when you look closer, it's a mixture of softness and beauty. Very much like Ronan himself.

Adam has the sudden urge to touch it. To trace the lines with his fingers and find hidden meanings under his touch. So he does. Ronan jumps up. 'Shit, your hands are fucking freezing.', he says, without force. Adam thinks he probably likes it.

He traces Ronan's spine, making him shiver under his touch. 'How did you dream this? It's… so beautiful.'

Ronan huffs. 'I didn't dream it, dumbass.'

'You didn't?'

'I uh – I drew it.'

Adam sits up in surprise and Ronan turns around. Adam finds it hard not to be distracted by his chest, but he keeps his eyes on Ronan's face. 'I didn't know you could draw. Why have I never seen one of your drawings?'

'You just did.'

Adam shouldn't be surprised. Ronan is a dreamer. He creates things all the time. Crazy, beautiful, artistic things, things Adam would never come up with in a thousand years. Drawing is probably a lot like that for Ronan.

'Other drawings then.'

'My tattoo is the last thing I ever drew.'

And for some reason that makes Adam incredibly sad. Because it's another piece of Ronan that was taken away in his father's grave, buried with Niall Lynch. 'You're really talented.'

Ronan shrugged and put his shirt back on. Adam continued. 'Will you draw me something?'

' _No,_ shut up, Parrish. I haven't drawn anything in years. I don't even fucking know if I still can.'

A couple days later, Adam got home from work, exhausted. He opened the door to his apartment and almost missed the piece of paper that had been slid under it. On it, looking up, was his own face. It was Adam, smiling. He was shining and he was clearly happy. It was drawn with such precision and care, Adam almost didn't believe it was real. All around him there were different sort of flowers and what looked like Cabeswater. The patterns were so similar to Ronan's tattoo, Adam's chest swelled.

He was suddenly overcome by emotion. This was so unlike all the other gifts Ronan gave him and at the same time so similar. It was Ronan and, for the first time, Adam realized he was in love. Neither of them had said it to the other, but it was clear now. Adam was in love with Ronan.

Now that he had actually realized it, it was hard not to think about it. Adam was someone who tried to get as much as he could out of a situation, who usually did anything to get what he wanted. He didn't actually know what he wanted this time. Did he want to tell Ronan and would that be enough? Or did he want Ronan to say it back? He guessed it would be nice to know that the feelings were mutual.

He couldn't be around Ronan without those three words thick on his tongue, impatient to get out. _I love you._ It would be so simple. But then again, he wasn't sure how to say those words. He doubted he had ever said them to anyone, he didn't even remember ever saying them to his mother. What if he accidently said them wrong? Ronan who did everything full of love, who conjured loveable creatures from just dreaming, who had grown up surrounded by love, deserved those words right and Adam wasn't sure he was able to say them right.

He almost slipped and said it when he thanked Ronan for the drawing.

'It was amazing. I almost didn't recognize myself.'

'Well, If you couldn't even recognize yourself, then it mustn't have been _that_ good.'

'No, I mean', Adam blushed. 'It looked like me, only way better.', he muttered.

Ronan only huffed. 'It didn't do you any justice.', he says, and it's so soft, Adam almost doesn't hear it. Especially when he continues in a much louder voice. 'I actually kind of missed drawing, maybe you should expect others some time.'

Adam smiled at that.

 _I love you._

But then Gansey walked in and the moment was gone.

He almost slipped and said it when they were lying on the couch at the Barns, watching the sunset. But the image of Ronan trying not to hurt him, even when Adam's hands were literally trying to kill him, invaded his mind again and the words stuck in his throat.

He almost slipped and said it when Ronan kissed him after dropping him off at St. Agnes. But his head was foggy with exhaustion and Ronan's lips.

'Goodnight, Parrish.'

 _I'm in love with you._

'Goodnight, Ronan.'

He slipped and said it when he was half-awake, half-sleeping. He and Ronan were driving around. Well, Ronan was driving, Adam was falling asleep on the passenger seat. He was looking at Ronan, all his sharp edges and strong jaw. Ronan accelerated and smiled a little. And Adam's half-unconscious mind was just not able to understand why he didn't just tell him he was in love with him. He thought the idea was so ridiculous, he almost started laughing out loud.

'Hey, Ronan.', he said. 'Ronan, Ronan…'

Ronan looked at him. 'You sound fucking drunk, Parrish.'

'Drunk on love.', He _did_ sound drunk. 'Because I'm in love with you, Ronan. _I love you.'_

'You're weird half-asleep.'

Adam closed his eyes and before drifting into unconsciousness, he faintly heard Ronan say: 'I love you too, loser.'

The airport was buzzing with noise, and people moving all around them. Adam checked the screen and figured out he still had half an hour before he had to go.

Ronan had his arm around Adam's waist and Adam was resting his head against his chest, savouring the last moments he still had before getting back to college. He hated leaving Ronan alone for so long. Gansey, Blue and Henry were travelling around the world and Ronan was the only one that stayed in Henrietta. At least he had Opal to keep him company. And, believe it or not, he had actually made a couple farmer and racer friends.

Adam turned his head and nuzzled his face into Ronan's chest, breathing in his scent and whispering: 'I don't want to leave you.'

'I'll be fine, Parrish. Honestly.', Ronan huffed. 'Go make those fuckers feel stupid next to you.'

'I'll miss you.' He looked up at Ronan. 'And please pick up your phone, will you?'

'I'm not making promises I probably won't keep.'

Adam rolled his eyes. He checked his watch again and suddenly realized he had to check-in in five minutes if he didn't want to miss his plane. He grabbed his luggage and looked at Ronan for a moment. He tried to memorize the way his jaw was clenched, the exact shade of blue his eyes were, his shaved head, the bow of his lips, his annoyed expression.

'Take a fucking picture, Parrish, why won't you?', Ronan snarled, but there was no power behind his words. Adam suspected he was probably doing the same thing.

'I think I will, actually.' Adam took his phone out of his pocket. He had actually bought one, thinking it might be useful to keep in touch with Ronan. It wasn't really. He got to experience what Gansey had been complaining about forever; Ronan never answered his phone. His phone probably wasn't even charged and lying somewhere forgotten and falling apart.

He snapped a picture of Ronan scowling at him and installed it under his phone number, knowing he probably would never see it flashing across the screen. 'I don't think I have one single picture of you smiling.', Adam said, before tucking his phone away.

And without warning, he kissed Ronan hard on the mouth. Ronan made a surprised noise, but quickly melted into the kiss and parted their lips. Adam was surprised by himself, too. He wasn't usually the biggest fan of PDA, but he had to do this. He let himself get lost in Ronan for a moment, forgetting where they were and why. He didn't want to imagine how hard it would be to have to miss this. Ronan's lips on his and Ronan's hands on his hips, and Adam's hands cupping Ronan's cheeks.

Then he pulled back, resting their foreheads together. Ronan had his eyes closed, breathing heavily. 'Come back to me?', he whispered.

'Always.', Adam answered.

He planted one brief kiss on Ronan's lips and then he was gone.

The afternoon sun was streaming through the windows of The Barns, warming Adam's skin while he looked outside. It was a winter sun. It was still freezing outside, but the sun made him travel to the many summers he had spent here with Ronan. The same sun that was currently melting the frosting on the grass. He took a sip of his tea.

He was leaning against the counter, when Ronan sneaked his hands around his hips, pushing himself against Adam's back. He planted a kiss on the top of Adam's head. Adam turned his head to smile at him, and then presumed to look outside.

He was feeling nostalgic today. He was thinking of all the times he had watched Ronan play with Opal outside, all the times that he had played with Opal outside.

He leaned against Ronan, his mind filled with colours and images and people he loved. The whole gang sitting together in the living-room.

 _It's a night for truth._

He thought of the many evening he had spent here watching the sunset with Ronan, the many mornings he woke up here with Ronan's arms wrapped around him.

Ronan nuzzled his head in the place that linked Adam's neck to his shoulder. He lifted his head and whispered two words in Adam's ear. 'Marry me.'

Adam was startled by the sudden question. He turned around to look Ronan in the eye. His face was open and sincere, honest. Giving himself entirely, the way only Ronan could. And from the colour of his eyes to the curve of his lips, Ronan was _home._

This place was home and the only family he ever truly had and the only one he needed.

 _Marry me._

It wasn't a question, really. There only was one answer, one way that this could end. Adam smiled and whispered a quiet _yes._ Ronan's face broke into a grin.

 _Home._


End file.
